My First Calling

It's 3:37 a.m. and for once I'm blogging at this hour not because I've been awake all night but because I just woke up to kiss my husband goodbye and see him out the door. I was beginning to wonder if the harder part was going to be having him gone for three weeks or getting him ready to leave. Now that his side of the bed isn't warm anymore, I know.

Through friends, God has orchestrated lots of little details to be worked out perfectly for this time he'll be away for work. Yesterday we got all the groceries purchased and he packed snacks and sandwiches for the drive. My meal plan is set and the enchiladas I promised him have been made and eaten and packed as well. Our dog Toby is thrilled to be on an adventure with his favorite human - he always has been Alejandro's dog. I've planned my work schedule and my rest schedule. Laundry is done. My laptop files have been transferred to our desktop and the portable wonder just headed down the road in our Jeep. Thank the Lord for Skype. And miraculously, almost every single day of child-care I'm going to need so I can continue my business strong without Danny-and-Daddy-nights is covered. I have the most amazing friends.

As I crawled into bed tonight for an extra long snuggle with Alejandro before we prayed for an extra long time and drifted off to dream-land, it hit me smack in the gut: I'm going to MISS my husband.
Now, before you judge me for being an absolutely awful wife for that thought (especially you who actually know my sweet man), hear me out. He and I have been married for seven years. We have a toddler and two home-based businesses, a dog, a church we're involved in, friends, a home that ever needs improvement, laundry that never stops and meals that ever need to be prepared. We've got A LOT going on. We are right in the thick of the challenges that most marriages these days don't make it through. We've been married long enough to have forgotten what life without each other and all of our demanding responsibilities was like. We are extremely dependent on one another to make daily life work and when one of us is gone for a few days, we find ourselves educating each other on how to handle what we do for each other. I teach him how to use his phone as a modem. He shows me where the ice-melt, shovel, hammer and screw-driver are kept. I make sure he remembers what's going on with the budget. He lets me know which trash can to leave by the curb Sunday night. We've spend the last week working out how to do life independently of one another for a bit.
When couples find themselves in this kind of seven-year-rut, it's easy to forget date night, to take for granted warm toes in bed because there's a human heater next to you, to always hear the other person's noises in the house, and to get too used their affection. Tonight after all the childcare, meals, packing and planning was taken care of, I realized that although I'm definitely going to miss what my husband DOES around the house, I'm REALLY going to miss who he IS around the house.

I think this may be just what the Doctor (a.k.a. God) ordered. It's yucky medicine, but my friend hit the nail right on the head when she said, "I think this is going to be really good for you guys." I mentioned to my mom in an email the other day that it will do us good to miss each other like crazy for a while. I didn't really think through all that that implicated about MY part of our marriage until now.

I've taken him for granted for far too long. Twenty-four hours before he left I STARTED soaking in my husband's presence and enjoying every last bit of his attention before he left. It was a SWEET twenty-four hours. Yet, how much different would he feel in our marriage if I did that ALL the time? The thought has a knot in my throat and my stomach feeling queasy.

To whom much is given, much is expected. I am a steward of my spouse's love, and I'm afraid I have been stewarding it rather poorly. This is not about beating myself up. I've done that long enough to realize it gets me nowhere and accomplishes nothing. This is about re-discovering my calling as a wife. I am called to a few big things - my son and my business are two. However, my FIRST calling is to my husband. Oh, may I not forget that anymore.

Lord Jesus, in these next few weeks, teach me again how to be my husband's "wife of his youth." Show me how to fill his love-tank and how to maintain that once he returns. Minister to us in each other's absence and return us safely together. By the power of your Son's name I pray. Amen.

Renee