For a very long time, I've believed a lie. The lie is that I'm not enough. That I don't do enough, don't work hard enough, don't achieve enough, and am not good enough.
Maybe it´s a first child syndrome. Maybe it's the home I grew up in. Maybe it's a bajillion other things, but it is the lie that the enemy grabbed a hold of and saw how I clung to it and ran from it and was utterly afraid of it. Afraid of never being enough. I have tried to run faster and dance harder as long as I can remember.
So the enemy cultivated this in my heart by whispering doubt and condemnation to me from when I was young. I'm not exactly sure when it started, but I remember being in sixth grade and struggling with math for the first time (which is actually one of my areas of talent and therefore pride). I was making silly careless mistakes that had nothing to do with the alegra I was doing for the first time, but which were addition, subtraction and multiplication mistakes. I was getting a C or a C- or something. In any case, I was ashamed. And I felt that I wasn't good enough. Wasn't trying hard enough. Wasn't achieving enough.
Eventually I did figure out the algebra and I got pretty good at it. But the nagging "not enough" spirit manifested itself in different ways. It drove me to good grades. It drove me to graduation with honors. It drove me to college scholarships and graduation and a job. And when I started my own business, the "not enough" spirit grabbed a hold in a fresh strong new way.
Let me caveat for a moment and say that there is certainly nothing wrong with good grades, graduation with honors, scholarships, good jobs or achievement. And I did do all of those things for many of the right reasons and with positive support and motivation from my parents. It just happened to be the tool that the enemy used in my life to get under my skin and keep me from God's purpose for the last several years.
Mom and Dad, you were WONDERFUL parents who raised us with a strong work ethic and the belief that we can do anything we set our minds to. My struggle with "not enough" has nothing to do with anything you did or did not do, but with my own character and struggle with flesh.
Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, I'd started my own business. In business, success is measurable. So is failure, and it is determined by your title, your awards, your rank, your paycheck, and your suit. My love of achievement and the spirit of "not enough" drove me to do very well in business. For a while.
For a while I did very well, until I realized that I was so afraid of NOT being enough that the "not enough" spirit began to overcome me and overwhelm me and paralyze me. If you have ever struggled with feeling that you are never runing fast enough or dancing hard enough or being good enough, you know what I'm talking about. If you don't, well, count it your blessing and just skip this post. As a result of my fear of not being enough, I began to fail. (Fear is often a self-fulfilling prophecy.) And when others questioned why I wasn't succeeding as before, that fear was seated deeper in my heart and though I answered with a smile and appeared confident as ever, paralysis took over like a cancer.
Then last month I had my first experience with healing prayer. Ironically enough, it was through my business that I met Heidi. Heidi is gentle, loving, filled with the Holy Spirit and has also struggled with the spirit of "not enough". We got to talking during her facial (because girls + face pampering = talking) and she offered to join me in healing prayer over this obsession with running harder and dancing faster. I couldn't jump on the opportunity fast enough and two days later we spent two hours in her back room praying, confessing, weeping, praising and hearing God together.
It. Was. Life Changing.
This is what God said...
"Renee, you have been believing the lie that you are not enough. You've believed that you don't deserve success in your business. The truth is that my Kingdom is not about success or achievements. I don't care about position or status. I don't care about C minuses or A pluses. I don't care about paychecks or cars or prestige or recognition (unless it's recognition of Me) and I don't care about how far up the career path you are. I don't care about any of those things.
All I care is that you are carrying out my call on your life and my call is for you to love other women the way I have loved you. Measure your success, Renee, not by this world's labels but by the amount you have poured into others for my Name. You will know you are being successful when you are loving someone else and serving them. You know you have accomplished your goal when you draw others to Me. I am your approval and your reward.
Achievment of a position of leadership comes out of the overflow of loving others for Me. Not because I care about the position, but because I care about the influence you will have IN that position and the opportunity it gives you to share my Light into others' lives.
Renee you have been believing the lie that you are an overachiever.
Renee, the TRUTH, is that you are MY ACHIEVEMENT."
That day drew a line in the sand for me. I have been miraculously free from preocupation with status and able to fully direct my
I hope this speaks to someone today. I know there are others who are paralyzed by the spirit of "not enough." I pray that God reveals to you in a new way that...
YOU ARE GOD'S ACHIEVEMENT.
Love,
