He's not oblivious anymore to what goes on around him. He's no longer an infant, naive to the evils of the world (although I do think infants have a sensitivity to when something is wrong with their parents). Now he imitates. He senses feelings. And to an certain extent he understands.
Alejandro and I got into an argument last night (I know. Shocker. We argue just like every other couple.) so we all kind of woke up on the wrong side of the bed, Danny included. Even though he was asleep during the whole thing, maybe he heard part of it or maybe he just knew something was wrong by our demeanor this morning. In any case, he was cranky and fussy and throwing things (his M.O. these days when he's upset).
God was speaking to me all night and over breakfast, after the third time Danny had thrown something, He graciously gave me the words to say to my upset 16-month-old.
"Honey, Mama and Papa used ugly words and actions last night and we were very wrong. Mama needs to say sorry to you right now. I used hurtful actions and words and I need to ask you to forgive me. And even though you and I feel pretty icky inside this morning, we both need to be very careful to use kind words and actions now."
Tears came.
"Will you forgive me, honey? I'm so so sorry." Then I bowed my head, and even though I'd already done so in my mind, I showed my son how to pray a prayer of repentance.
"God, I used unkind words and actions last night and I'm so sorry. Please forgive me. Show me how to be a good mommy. Help Danny and me to use kind words and actions this morning even though we feel icky inside. Help me to still know when Danny needs grace today and when he needs discipline. Jesus, I'm so sorry."
Simple words and child-like faith have a way of cutting to the heart of the matter sometimes. I don't think I've felt that vulnerable before my God since the first time I came to the cross. I may have been modeling faith and repentance for my son, but I was the one being schooled this morning.
"Jesus, I'm so so sorry."
Then I lifted my head, and with great effort, as he still looked at me, I took a deep breath and dried my tears. I put on a smile, and let the issue be over. I'd received forgiveness. We'd started fresh. I'd laid it all at the cross and I needed to show my son that when it's over, it's over.
I smiled and said, "Thank you Jesus for your forgiveness!"
And then we continued with breakfast.
Those simple actions taught me a great lesson. Sometimes we have already received forgiveness but we're still dragging the issue around in our back pocket. I'm amazed at the grace of God and how Danny's and my morning instantly turned around. He stopped throwing things and has been listening and obeying better today than ever.
There is nothing more humbling than being shown all of my faults through my son's eyes. What a gift to be able to see things as he understands them; so simply. I know that, try as I might not to, I will mess up many more times, and how freeing it is to know that I don't have to be perfect in front of my son and that my willingness to be vulnerable and repentant will mold his little heart to seek Jesus honestly when he is wrong. In my weakness, there is victory. In Christ, I can do all things through Him who gives me strength. Even parent my little one.
Thank you Jesus for your strength this morning.
