What Postpartum Depression Feels Like

This has been one of the hardest posts I've ever written.  It's so difficult to articulate exactly what postpartum depression feels like.  To write about it, I have to dive into those feelings and live there for a bit and I don't like to do that.  I work hard to stay OUT of that state of mind, not dive in, stir it up and give it a voice.  ...but here goes. Please have grace if this is not the most well written post you've ever read. 

Most of the time, I feel like I'm just of out of it, sleepy or groggy.  Sort of in a fog. Have you ever stared at something and your eyes get "stuck," and the world sort of moves around you? It feels a little like that. I'm overly tired or lethargic and really overwhelmed.  I don't feel like I'm incapable of motherhood (though many moms who have PPD do), but I do constantly feel like there's so much for me to do that I could never possibly get it all done, and that feels like a huge weight on my shoulders. I really just want to take a nap.  And on days when I actually am low on sleep, everything I'm describing is amplified to the point that it's debilitating.  

On top of this constant "fog," there are episodes (or waves is another way to put it) of extreme emotion.  Emotions rise quickly and when they do, I feel irrationally hyper-irritated, often with a lump in my throat, or angry and unable to put my finger on what I'm angry at or why. Other times it's like being in a deep dark hole and I just cry. I often feel angry or irritated with my older son and I have to REALLY work to respond calmly and lovingly to him. This is particularly hard when he's whining, cranky or disobedient, or when he is excited and running around or noisy. When he's noisy or when he gets in my personal space to love on the baby (big "triggers" for me). especially if I'm nursing, it's practically impossible not to snap.  Only this week (and I've been working at this for 3 or 4 weeks) was I finally able to take a deep breath and say sternly but carefully, "Buddy, I'm really irritated right now and it's not your fault, but I need you to give me lots of space."  Fortunately, Danny's old enough to understand and respect that. My heart goes out to moms with PPD and a two year old who is climbing all over them all the time. 

It's hard to stay on track and remember things.  It took me twice as long to do an extra short grocery list last week.  Now I joke that I actually DO have mommy brain!  Haha!  Sometimes tears come easily but so does laughter. I may be giggly one moment and emotional and down or cranky and irritated the next.  Other times, the mood swings are down, but never up.  For a while, the only time I was actually enjoying myself was while I was working out (when endorphin levels spiked).  

There have been days (and weeks) in which  I was pretty much mad at Alejandro (my husband) all the time. There was a bitterness and resentment towards him that I don't understand entirely. That's gotten much better, but he will often reach to hug me and I have to work to not literally push him away.  Other times, I crave his affection and feel completely unloved and alone (by no fault of his AT ALL - this is the depression talking!). Meanwhile, the poor guy seems to have no clue what to do with his wife, who has seemingly lost her mind. 

I don't feel irritated with the baby, thank the Lord, except sometimes while nursing when he's struggling against me because he's gassy or squirmy or no longer hungry.  That can be very frustrating and can trigger an emotional episode as well. If I'm in a fog, I'm not as quick to respond to his fusses for a diaper change or to nurse as I usually would be, though thankfully, I have never come close to neglect or abuse. Worst of all is that, for a while, I felt like no matter how much I tried, I just couldn't enjoy him as much as I want to. I went through the motions, but I didn't love being a mommy of a newborn like I did with my first son.  I feel like I missed a little bit of the first couple months, because I couldn't be present to the moment. 

There are women who have abusive, self-mutilating, suicidal or homicidal thoughts.  I am so very thankful that my depression has not been that bad.  I do believe that the Father of Lies, Satan himself, uses depression to destroy women and there have been times when he plants in my thoughts the image of harm coming to my newborn by my hand or by accident.  It horrifies me and I work to block it out of my mind by thinking of other things, but sometimes these thoughts just occur, and it feels similar to having a nightmare that you wake up from and shake off.  Until I understood PPD, it was disturbing that these thoughts came to me, even though I never even fathomed or was even slightly tempted to carry out any of these thoughts. Now I understand that when negative thoughts occur, I can reject them, pray, use lavender, and play praise music and recite scripture to combat this spiritual attack. 

Please know that it's humiliating to admit to these thoughts, even to myself, let alone share it publicly.  But I believe that someone is reading who is experiencing this or so much worse and they need to understand this:  This is NOT your fault.  It is tempting to think, I'm a horrible mom. I just need to buck up and put a smile on my face.  Or If I would just pray more... or listen to praise music more... or If I just had stronger faith or were a better mom, then I wouldn't feel any of these things.  PLEASE understand that praying, singing, praising, putting trust and faith in Yahweh and having great parenting skills are all HELPFUL in coping with postpartum depression thoughts and emotions, but they CANNOT prevent them.  What is happening to you is a psychological reaction to a physiological chemical and/or hormonal imbalance.  If you have even the slightest thought that you might want to carry any harmful thoughts out, or even if you don't think you ever would, but if you think that it would bring you relief to do so, GET HELP RIGHT NOW. Call someone - anyone - and ask them to come over to sit with you until you can get professional help.  Heck, call me! ...I'm serious.  719-352-1052.  There is nothing to feel ashamed of, and it's always better to be safe than sorry.  

Ok, back to what it feels like to me... (And remember, what it feels like to me and what it feels like to you may be entirely different. PPD is very individualized and it's different for everyone.)  For me, hunger, sugar, caffeine, exhaustion and dehydration make it worse. Protein and water make it better. Hot flashes and sweats  are common to new moms and those fluster me and make my emotions worse. It's easy to feel over-stimulated.  Invasion of my personal space or my children's personal space is another trigger. For example, one morning during the transition between exercise classes at the gym (where I work), I avoided the childcare room, knowing the chaos of children coming and going would set off an episode, so I stood in one place next to the desk, out of traffic of women coming in and leaving. Behind the safety of the barrier of the desk, I felt fine. 

If a trigger does set off an episode, it can look like a variety of things.  It might be losing my temper and yelling or snapping. Once I tried to write while in the midst of one and my handwriting was absolutely horrendous.  I couldn't write normally no matter how hard I tried. If I can't calm myself down, an episode usually culminates in a mess of tears.  My mom, husband and close friends have all watched me break down and cry on the couch for no apparent reason. There is no rhyme or reason to this thing.  If I break down crying, a good way to help me is to help me get alone, and then quietly ask me what I need.  I probably won't be able to answer this question, but at least it helps get my mind working on figuring that out, rather than dwelling on the emotion.  

If you have PPD, you can look like you're just fine.  For me, about 80 - 90 % of the time, I feel just fine. Not often great.  But fine.  And then suddenly something will hit me - a trigger for an emotional episode - and I realize that I am NOT just fine. So until I learned to recognize the nature of the beast, it left me feeling half the time like I was totally immobilized.  The other half of the time, I wondered if I was just making things up in my mind.

If you are successful at finding something that helps reduce or manage the depression, be thankful, but beware.  Last week I was feeling better, so I stopped using lavender essential oils, progesterone cream, vitamins and eating well.  I didn't mean to.  It just wasn't at the forefront of my mind anymore, and I forgot. Yesterday I realized that I've felt so down and blah and ick that I hadn't showered in two days. A friend of mine put it this way: "The beast of depression is that you think you're doing better, let your guard down, and then it comes back with a vengeance.  It does get better.  I promise." 

Making stuff up in my mind?  Unfortunately, I'm not.  It is very real.  It's very ugly.  It's very misunderstood.  ...But it's really common so you are not alone. If you think you may have it, start by telling someone.  Second,  try these natural methods of dealing with it, whether that's what you have or not.  Diagnosing it is not the most important.  Living life IS important and the natural remedies I've found are great for anyone, whether or not you officially have any form of depression.  So start by taking care of yourself and third, see a professional and start educating yourself (this site on PPD is a great resource and you can also read all of my posts on PPD) so that you can be diagnosed if necessary.

To those of you who are reading this, thinking that's me.   Thinking, "I just hate this. I feel hopeless and lost and completely alone and totally exhausted and immobilized.  She just described ME. ” I am lifting you in prayer this week.  There IS hope and it DOES get better.  I pray this post has helped you feel a little less alone and a lot more aware of what you're going through. Hang in there. This too, will pass. 

Taking A Break

Today is the second really good day in a row for me. This weekend we kept the schedule clear and dedicated it to conquering the weeds and landscaping our backyard. Being together with family, being out in the sun, and having a project to collaborate on is good for my soul. It's good for all of us. All the sun's vitamin D is great for battling depression.

I'm inside nursing Gianni at the moment. I think God created babies to eat every 3-4 hours just because mommies need a good excuse to sit and cuddle for a half hour. Now that I've finally figured out a good eating schedule for him (and man, it sure took long enough!) I'm really enjoying these times of sitting, rocking, relaxing, and watching him take his fill.

I'm praying y'all are having as peace-filled and joyous a weekend as I am.

With Love,
Renee

{just a bit of mobile blogging}

Remedies for Postpartum Depression

Since writing my first post about my postpartum depression (PPD) just a two days ago, I've received SO many responses of encouragement, love and prayer from SO many of you!  An incredibly high number of YOU have experienced it, which makes me feel both comforted (I'm not alone) and sad for you.

I was originally going to start off with a post about what it feels like and how to identify PPD.  However, I'm a little overwhelmed with the amount of information to gather for that post.  It can feel like a lot of different things and it can feel different from one woman to another.  So I'm going to start by writing today about the  natural remedies that have helped me in the last two weeks.

However, I will briefly share the best description I've found to date about determining between normal "baby blues" and abnormal (but common) PPD:  In her post "Baby Blues or Postpartum Depression," Dr. Shoshana Bennett writes, "First, the Blues are considered to be normal. They don't feel good, but they are mild and transient. Most moms - 50 to 80% - experience some ups and downs, weepiness, vulnerability, forgetfulness, and stress when their babies are born. The Blues should be gone by about two weeks after delivery. If they continue, even if the symptoms are mild, this is now called PPD... if the symptoms are severe enough to get in the way of normal functioning, even if they occur during the first two weeks postpartum, it is considered to be PPD. So, if you're experiencing symptoms such as a loss of appetite, difficulty sleeping at night when the baby sleeps, hopelessness, poor concentration, anxiety, anger, deep sadness, low self esteem, overwhelm, or lack of energy (that rest doesn't take care of), don't wait. Get help right away."

Thank you, Dr. Bennett! With that said, I'll come back later with a detailed post about what it feels like.

For now, I want to talk about a few things that have helped me manage my case of PPD.  I say manage because I have yet to find something that has made my depression go away and not come back. However, the good news is that if you do have PPD, unless you have a very severe case I believe, you can continue to live a fairly normal life, with some lifestyle modifications.  The other good news is that these lifestyle modifications will probably help you whether you have PPD or not, and if you continue with them in the coming months and years, you'll probably live a happier, healthier, fuller life.

There are LOTS AND LOTS of remedies that can help, and what works for one woman may not work for another, so what I've been doing is just trying everything I can and adding in one thing at a time. Great self-care is the name of the game and many small measures can contribute to a greater sense of peace, contentment and well-being.

I started by paying a visit to my Ob doctor, chiropractor and a counselor.  My Ob doctor offered medicine, but I made it clear that I wanted that to be a last resort for me.  Antidepressant medicines are both addictive and create dependency (see this article) and I will go to great lengths to avoid them if at all possible.  Please understand, I'm not boo-hoo-ing them for everyone.  I DO believe that there are severe cases for which antidepressant medicines are appropriate, and I believe every woman has to make this decision  herself with the guidance of her family and her practitioner.  However, my personal preference is to avoid them if at all possible.  That said, the nurse practitioner I saw recommended a natural progesterone cream called Pro-Gest by Emerita purchasable at Whole Foods and other natural grocers.  I will have to post later and let you know if I see any results with this.  I haven't been using it long enough or consistently enough to see a difference.

My chiropractor adjusted me & got me into alignment - aaah.  I see her once every week or two and that has helped me feel physically better in a BIG way.  I have her to thank for a huge contribution to my general well-being. She also checked me for homeopathic remedies and prescribed two to help with focus and brain function.  Lastly she used kinesiology to help me resolve some emotional issues. All three of these things made an immediate, significant and lasting difference in how I felt!

The counselor helped me to identify a source of stress in my life.  She also helped me find the words to articulate this source of stress to my husband and identify for myself why letting go of this source of stress was causing me anxiety.  The source of stress (for me) happened to be my part time job tutoring, which I was dragging both my boys with me to and from twice a week.  Through my conversation with the counselor and some personal reflection, I identified what my primary focuses needed to be during this season of my life (my God, my family, my self-care, my writing and a few hours a week in my Mary Kay business) and clear away from my schedule all that isn't related to those things.

Next, I received some essential oils samples and learned how to use them. DoTerra is a fantastic brand as well as Young Living.  Essential oils take less than 30 seconds to penetrate the skin to take effect and I frequently reach for lavender to apply to my wrists, arches and balls of my feet, and back of my neck.  It has an immediately calming effect.  I've also used a lavender diffuser in my bedroom or the kids' rooms, which calms everyone down.

Another remedy that comes to mind is St. John's Wort vitamin supplement. It's a great natural aid to fight depression, but I have not tried this one, because it can interfere with breastfeeding, and nursing Gianni is really important to me.

I'm also learning how important it is to get up and shower and dress early in the day, even if I'm going to be home all day, and especially if it's hot.  When I'm clean and looking good, I feel good.  As women, we're just wired that way.  So pop in a half hour video for the older kids and put the baby in a bouncer seat and hit the shower.  Do your hair, slap on a little mascara and lip gloss (seriously, that's all it takes to change your whole look) and wear something that makes you feel good.  While you're at it, make sure you have a properly fitting nursing bra.  Yes, I know, you may end up buying another one in two months when you're breasts change sizes yet again.  But what it will do for your sense of personal confidence and well-being is worth every penny.

By far, however, the single most effective thing I've found that has helped me to have an "up" day is starting the day with exercise 3 to 4 times a week.  Here's why:  First of all, it gets me out of my pajamas, out of the house and with other people, laughing, moving and dancing to music that I like.  (I exercise at Jazzercise, which is an hour of aerobic dance in a class-setting... it's a blast!)  It's certainly important to have a day or two a week when you can sleep in, rest, and lounge around in your pj's all morning, but getting out to exercise will give you a break from the kids while they're in child-care and you're working out.  Even if jogging outside is your thing, they will be occupied in the jogging stroller while you cruise down the street with good music in your ears.  A little "me" time does wonders for my mood on the days I make a point to get to the dance studio.  Secondly, it gets me sweating and drinking water, which cleanses the system of toxins.  Third, it raises endorphin levels, which lifts my mood. Not to mention, it raises my metabolism for the following 24-48 hours, which just plain feels good!  The science behind it is all in this article, if you're curious.

A daily routine consisting of a work-out in the morning and a shower sometime before early afternoon has really helped me manage my mood and keep depression at bay. Incorporating into that routine plenty of protein and water and making sure I keep up with vitamins and supplements also makes a HUGE difference in how I feel. (I take a prenatal vitamin, an immune system booster and a calcium/magnesium supplement.) I'm also working on minimizing processed sugars and starches (white sugars) from my diet and using LESS sugar and wheat pastas instead. This is challenging, because when I feel down, I eat and I usually reach for the chocolate cookies instead of almonds or carrots. Anyway, a healthy diet will do wonders for your emotional stability.

The good news is that there are many many options for you to try.  The bad news is that each one of these things takes time (several weeks sometimes) to begin to keep depression at bay, if they are going to.  So find a schedule and routine you can handle, settle into it, and take it one day at a time.  Give yourself time to work it out.

I'm going to write another post entirely about spiritual warfare, and my relationship with each member of my family.  I think understanding these inter-related elements of PPD is KEY, but there's a lot to say and it deserves its own post.

If you've had PPD, would you share (in the comments section so all can read) what helped you?  I know there are remedies that I haven't mentioned here and I'd love for this to be a resource for scores of women!

Thanks again to everyone who has written and sent encouragement and helped to spread the word.  Please "like" and link to this subject so women you know can benefit from this knowledge too! :-D

Say Postpartum What!?!?

It was a pretty normal hot summer morning. We were in Danny's bedroom.  I was sweaty in my workout clothes and the baby was fussy - almost ready for a nap, but needing his diaper changed and a little TLC before being put down for a nap.  Danny wanted me to play with him and I was trying to direct him to put away some toys and manage my 7 week old at the same time. Danny was only half paying attention and I'd repeated myself approximately 7 million times in the previous 5 minutes.

I snapped.  I yelled at him.

And then I knew.  Something was wrong.  

It hit me all at once:  Whatever my son was doing should not have irritated me as much as it did.  Would not have irritated me as much as it did if things were alright. I was angry.  Bitter and resentful towards my husband.  Exhausted and frustrated with life.  I was not enjoying these weeks and months with my newborn and no matter what happened, good or bad, I just seemed to be mad and emotional and depressed.  Weeping in the shower happened often.  I was just not myself. 

So I got online and reached out to a group of girlfirends of mine and posed this question:  "What does postpartum depression feel like?  Because I'm starting to think I might have it."

That was the start of my journey through understanding, managing and explaining my postartum depression.  I've done and learned A LOT in the last several weeks, as I try to manage this animal. I'll tell you a few things.  First of all, it's real.  It's real and it's debilitating.  It's much different than normal hormonal ups and downs and the emotional swings that go with beign pregnant, giving birth and breastfeeding.  Secondly, it's MUCH more common than I could have ever imagined.  I have been so surprised at the number of my friends who have experienced postpartum depression.  In fact, according to this site, as many as 1 in 7 mothers are affected by it.

Third, it just plain sucks. Just this afternoon, I whispered through a hot mess of angry tears to my husband, "I hate this.  I hate feeling like this.  I just want to feel like me!"

Last week, the Father began to speak to me about this, and about the scores of women out there who are experiencing the same thing, but who are either too embarrassed, too foggy, not educated enough, or too proud to talk about it.  I decided that I was going to go completely public about it and write about it from beginning to end, while I'm experiencing it. I know I could wait until it's over and write about it then.  That would be safer.  That would be less vulnerable. But there is a certain raw honesty that comes when I write about something in the midst of the trial and that's what I think Yahweh is calling me to share.

My prayer is that I'll be able to help some mommies out there identify what they're going through, and help other mommies identify that this is (thankfully) not what they are going through.  I'm going to write about what this monster feels like, in real English.  I hope to make this subject more talked about and clear up some of the myths that are out there. It needs to be ok for a woman to verbally explore this subject with their family, their friends and their doctor without having to fear a quick diagnosis and a prescription for a medication they don't want to be on. I am going to talk about the many options for treating and managing PPD and give hope that medication doesn't have to be the answer, but that it may be, and if it is, that may be okay.

Rest assured that I am surrounded by my husband, my family, my friends and a handful of medical professionals who have their watchful eye on me.  I am well supported and I wouldn't begin to write about this without a great support system already in place.

Please spread the word and share this post with all the mommies you know.  If you are a mommy who has experienced postpartum depression, I need your help.  Please comment or email me: renee.mk11(at)gmail(dot)com. Let me know what PPD felt like to you.  The more detailed and honest you can be in your description, the better.  I won't be revealing any of the identities of anyone who decides to help and/or share unless you want me to.

Lastly, I ask for your prayer!  Pray that my postpartum depression would make its departure with a quickness!  Pray against the attacks of Satan who will not like what I'm writing and who would love to keep women trapped and uneducated about PPD. Pray for my words and this blog, that it would truly help some women who need it.  Pray that Christ would be honored in all that I say.  Thank you, friends!

And with that, I'm off to enjoy some snuggles with my sweet 9 week old and some calming tea.

Love,